then and now....

Its been awhile since ive been on here, and to be honest i kind of forgot i even had this blog at one point. I have been in a weird state of mind recently, questioning a lot of things, wondering what life has in store for me, what direction my life should go, etc. Things 3 years ago seemed so simple, play poker, hit the gym, and kick it with friends. Here i am 3 years later and while my daily habits havent changed too much, it seems that everyone elses around me has. My friends have jobs to go to everyday, my little brothers and sisters are getting all grown up, and my parents and grandparents are all seem much older than just 3 years ago. I do my best to keep busy and spend time with the people that matter to me but ill be honest this life is can be lonely, especially as a poker player. I dont know if i just look at things in a negative way or if im just realistic about how things are but the people of this world just seem lost. Everyone is going through the routine, whether it be something they wanted for their life or not, and just going through the motions. It is a very small minority that are out there doing things that actually matter. Whether it be helping others or bettering society in a way that no one else does. Not very many find true happiness while on this earth and i would say that is true from a stand point of someone who believes in religion or is an atheist.

As ive looked back and read through some of my blogs i havent seen a ton of progress on my part. Yes ive gained knowledge in certain areas and yes ive made some money and ive traveled to some places. But im still working on the same things, im still struggling with the same consistency issues. Its odd that i know that i have been at a standstill for some time and even though i know it and i dont want it i struggle to do anything about it. From most viewpoints i assume most would say that im doing ok, that ive made some money, I have most everything i would need and i should be happy with that. But if i looked at it that way i feel like i would be settling when i feel i am capable of so much more. I see how everyone lives around me and how unsatisfied they are with their current situation and how most never do anything about it. I dont want that life for me but some reason i feel like that is how things are heading. Maybe im to hard on myself or maybe my expectations of others is too high, perhaps even somewhere in between.

I am not really sure why im writing this or where it is headed, but maybe just seeing some of my thoughts and feelings written down is helpful enough in itself.

I think as Ive gotten older and i see the people around me getting older i get a little scared. I had plans for where i wanted my life to be by this time and since they are not where i expected them to be i guess i associate that with failure. And while i do not think my life or the things i have done have been a failure they have certainly not been a blazing success. I have a lot to work on and a lot to think about what direction i want my life to go. I know God has a place in this and that from a Christian stand point they would say "well stop trying to control everything and listen to God more" but that's much easier said that done. To give up control of ones life seems illogical and almost reckless. I can see why some would say "hey now that's why this whole idea of religion seems crazy to me." But to think that this is it, that things just end after we die and everything was for nothing and meant nothing, just seems so sad and pointless.

I have a lot of questions that need answering. I know there is no quick fix for the problems we face but i pray that i never find myself stagnant and just going through the motions. These two quotes very much exemplify that state of where i am and the way i need to look at each individual obstacle that crosses my path.

"In the middle of a difficulty lies opportunity."
- Albert Einstein

"Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still."
- Chinese Proverb

A verse to leave you with also

Titus 2:11-12

For the grace of God has appeared, bringing salvation to all men. Telling us to deny ungodliness and worldly passions and to live sensibly, righteously, and Godly.